Yicheng, Richard and Anthony

A letter to my ex

My sweetie my honey my pickle my star. You really hurt me, badly. People said that if we don’t break up then what we have is morbid. They also said, once a cheater, always a cheater. I know those are not true in our case scenario. I can understand that you made mistakes, you are lonely, the love we have is fading away, the feelings are disappearing. I can understand that totally. But still, I am desperately missing you so I can put up with everything you do. But 3 times are a lot, the way you hide the story is not helpful either. Even if I could know a bit more details would stop the long-lasting torture in my brain. On the very bed that we watched Netflix together, that we listened to playlists of dance music that you’ve been collecting for years, you broke our trusts. That was my safe spot, my bunker, my happy place, my little heaven. The place I can take every burden off.

So I kept asking myself, maybe if I can talk to you more this won’t happen. Maybe if I call you more this won’t happen. Maybe if I can handle my things better then I could be in the States with you instead of us falling apart. So in some ways, I pushed you towards this direction. For that, I am sincerely sorry.
You are lonely, so am I. Whenever I feel that I would read text message so I could see the pictures of Stone Henge, the picture you took at the seaside and the pictures of your Hawaii trip. I always felt jealous when I saw the pic you with that blond safeguard.
I always hoped that I could be more mature so maybe I would also be in that place with you, in maybe Hawaii or Key West. So I learned to feed myself, to get jobs, to prove to myself that I can be stronger than people of my age, so I deserve to be with you. These little thoughts kept me walking on this uneasy path. I met a lot of boundaries on the road, and I always have this thought that I could meet you again quickly, we could hold hands again, we could kiss again and we could make love again.
To be honest, I never expect you to feel the same about me. But talking to you before I start my tiring, tedious day will always make me feel somehow more energetic.
I always stare at that picture we took under the Christmas tree, it always made me grin for that I know I still have you on my side.
I kept the receipt to our first dinner date, our first movie together (A Dog’s Purpose, you said it was fine, not that great), our first Chinese food takeout… We had lots of firsts together. The first gift I got from you was a box of melted chocolate. You did not know it was melted and you came back later with a new box. You also came back with pizza one night because I had nothing to eat for dinner, and that is the night I fell in love with you. Those two pieces of frozen pizza are still in the freezer. They are my most precious memory of you.
Sweetie I really tried, I really tried not to picture you having sex with others. I don’t know if I could unsee that image.
I don’t know what else to write. I only know that I love you.
I love you. Very very very much.

Please don’t hurt me ever again.

Richard A. Sun

June 27, 2018

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